Sometimes when you wake up, you are scared for which version of yourself you are tasked to live with for today.
Being confined to home for so long with disability (something I will definitely bore you with in the future) you naturally begin to lose your sense of self.
Routine is easy to get into and harder to break, moments become lifetimes and lifetime somehow edges further away.
I didn’t have a reality break, but instead an emotional break. I was torn asunder with denial and confusion and anger and resentment. and I knew I had broken my mind.
A mental breakdown is something I had lived with as a child, my Baz (my father, who I don’t call dad, but is dad, I’m sure this will be a story for another day also, but for now, just go with Baz) had his own problems, the specifics would be his story and not mine to share unless he gave me permission (If this blog helps people or creates anything then perhaps I will ask him to share). I had seen his breakdowns however, they seemed to be a long process, I never for once imagined the reality was swift and like breaking a leg.
Until I had one.
Its almost a blur, I remember intense anger and frustration being overwhelming. confusing my brain to the point of feeling like I need to use words like feral and wild here. I was scared, felt like a cornered animal that I needed to escape. Then I remember the sadness so powerful it literally dropped me to my knees, everything wanted to pour out through tears and screaming and pain. and then I felt numb, nothing…aided by diazepam I was empty. Not in a way that would define peace though, this empty was like being left in a cold damp cave with nothing.
Which metaphorically brings me onto the idea behind this blog. I will make it semi autobiographical, I will share my stories, my experience, but along the way I would like to introduce you to other people in the world too. People like me who are making a Journey.
[INT BENS MIND 15th FEBRUARY 2010]
Alone in a dark cold….damp shit i said cold and damp, now i have added dark too, just go with it and hope they don’t notice. our hero is simply a stone, but there is a glowing inside. a message reverbs and bounces within the walls of the stone. The stone begins to crack and break like an egg fuck yes im giving my inner hero a dragon birth, why? coz its badass, a gas leaves the crack probably a fart, everytime i see an egg in a movie, I am like dude, that embroyo was FARTING. ahem sorry the whole cave is suddenly enveloped in a greeny, purply, reddy, bluey look im pandering to a large audience, pick your favourite colour, the smoke was that colour. oh yeah… Smoke.
As the smoke clears a humanoid figure is standing in siloheutte no fuck you spellchecker, im going into this warts and all, embrace my grammatical errors and spelling mistakes. wow, its really really hard to ignore the red wiggly line of YOU GOT IT WRONG. but if i click it i will have to delete all of this italics stuff as it will make even less sense. The humanoid figure is ready to configure Im honestly trying to stop writing italics and get on with the story, but god damn if i don’t point out that crappy sentence.
A HUD APPEARS IN YOUR VISION
SELECT YOUR CHARACTER FOR YOUR UPCOMING ADVENTURE.
Yeah so if you didn’t follow that, which I would argue is fully understandable. Im going to take a fictional journey of my own mental journey back from nowhere to my current journey where I am hoping to get home. In this story home for me is back to my own version of normal, I have readjusted that many times, and will continue to change my direction and views. We are flawed, we make mistakes, we upset our own balance, but we get up again, we keep going and we are worth it. My own positivity has recently skyrocketed, I cannot pinpoint the exact reason, but It has afforded me the peace of mind to share my story and perhaps to give some people an insight into what it was like. I would hope someone could read this who is on a downward spiral and just have that glimmer that hope is there. Let me make this abundantly clear, i’m not a special little snowflake here, this is my circumstance, which isnt the best, isnt the worst, I dont want to appear gospelistic (totally made that word up) or preach that this will help, but I do want to help people who are struggling, or the people who have struggled and are coming back up, or the people who care for us while we struggle and get to share our enjoyment as we return to ourselves.
This is a blog that is personal to me and I will discuss my own interests, likes and wishes and share my own opinions, by no means is anything I say meant as an insult. I would rather it generate discussion and be constructive to making my blog better.
so yeah. will write more next time.
(PS we do all the writing, he just blabbers Im guessing we means me too, this is some crazy inception level shit shh will you oh he can hear me, the other guy cant yeah he is too busy blabbering)
Ever have an awkward feeling you have been possessed by both Deadpool and the Ghost of Terry Pratchetts Foot Notes. No? just me, ahh well then.