Written by Benjiman Grant

You Can Check Out Anytime You Like

So basically I have spent most the day thinking from what angle to tackle my story telling ways. I like all types of literature and media so I think I will reflect that in the blog content.

I decided to stick to lyric titles for the blog, but I think I like the freedom of being able to change whenever I like for no reason.

But this to me is a continuation of my treatment in my opinion. I’m not sure if we ever really recover from mental illness. More so it feels like a remission, something bad has happened to my body so I must look after myself to stop it from happening again. For myself, I get to use my physical condition of CRPS as a direct metaphor to dealing with my mental conditions. It obviously is a hindrance because of the cyclical nature of physical and mental pain fighting against each other to see who can be worse.

Wow this post is turning quickly into that difficult second album.

Today I tried walking the dog, got to bench I normally sit at and wanted to do more. I took him to the field across the road. It was nice to see him run. I immediately regretted my decision though as I became scared at the journey home. When pain flares up I panic and my mental reaction creates anxiety. I can’t control the pain. But I can control my reaction. I made my way back to the bench and sat down. I just needed to sit, breathe and focus.

It’s one of my reasons I worry going out alone, especially with the dog. Controlling my reactions can be hard and I will need a break. What ifs become a part of every decision I make.

So for me focus is really important. I when I felt my second mental break, also got a weird release of purpose. I didn’t want to be like that anymore. I was fed up.

I was lucky enough to have a conversation with another house bound person via Star Wars The Old Republic a really fun bioware  mmo based on the films. But the community was amazing really accepting. Even though I was at my least social and wanted to hide from the world, I kept connected to people through gaming and mmos specifically. I was opening up on day to a player I had met and he suggested talking to his friend. At this point I had been housebound and secluded for 3/4 years. He had been secluded for 12 years, but was getting treatment and said it was helping him. I wanted to know the secret of his magics……you are getting help? What madness is this? You mean if you ask for help they give it? If only it was that easy. But the biggest problem is ourselves, it’s not easy to run when you break a leg, equally it’s not easy to do things after a mental break.

His advice was simple. Make promises to people you love about your well being. He promised his best friend he would speak to a doctor and it started a ripple effect for him of getting on the right path.

My promise was to my fiancee Luz, she had been through this journey with me and at my lowest point I had asked if she wanted to leave me and have a better life without me and my shit. She declined of course, for I am awesome and who could turn they back of my puppy dog eyes. But it was a huge movement for me. It gave me an anchor, a person who didn’t care how low I had got still had hope for me.  So my promise was a simple ‘I promise to get better’ it’s not something I can ever succeed at. So it keeps me motivated. And then I had a goal an aim.

It was a huge step on the start of this journey.

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