Written by Benjiman Grant

This Is My Brain, And I Live In It. It’s Made Of Love And Bad Song Lyrics

So, I am 34 today. I still get stupidly excited for birthdays. Mine and others, I should really consider getting friends with 365 people all with different birthdays so I can have birthday cake and fun every day.

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No presents to unwrap, but this super cute little artwork by Luz, next to me as I woke up. She leaves for work at about 8 and she is kind enough to leave me resting most mornings. I always feel bad for her having to goto work, while I sit at home. It can be frustrating at times, but hopefully I am in a better place to find work from home for myself soon. My other gifts this morning was Jango and Deetoo being their usual cute selves (see above). They are so caring and affectionate, perfect companions if you are stuck at home.

Had a knock at the door

Oooo

Amazon man

Not like literally from the Amazon.

Just like postman pat,

But amazon.

He had a parcel

I thought it was for me

Excitement beats anxiety

He tells me

Could you take this for number thirteen

Ahhh plop.

The real victory for me here is not being afraid to be disabled in front of people. It takes time for me to get to the door, it’s hard getting up from a seat. Before I accepted my disability, this was a real part of my anxiety forming. There was no desire to be around people, it was awkward and traumatic for me. This in turn made my pain flare up more. So it became very cyclical, and I was left with more resentment from being near others. Obviously it’s not as simple as I make it seem, but being accepting of myself and realising that dependency and incapacity are not reasons to be embarrassed. I’m still not comfortable with it as sometimes I hate having to be like “hey I’m disabled I need special attention” in circumstance where I do need help. This of course is something that will just take time and practice.

I am reminded of an Ed Byrne joke from when I was at college working on his show at Melton theatre:

So how do you know someone is in the Territorial Army (the TA)….don’t worry they will tell you! I told this joke at a previous gig and after the show this guy came upto me and was like ‘hey mate great show except for that joke about the TA’ Oh I said, sorry what’s wrong with it? ‘Well I’m in the TA”

Mouth agape, I swear he didn’t realise what he had said

Now I think this story could be changed for vegetarian in the 90s, vegan now days so I guess in future just veg. While I don’t have any problem with any thing that improves our lives I don’t like being defined by something so thoroughly. So I begin to feel that the first thing I ever say is, hey I’m disabled this is my definition and treat me differently because of it. I am still Ben and sometimes asking for help can be hard because I want to be more than my disability.

I think today is also a good day to talk about my mum. I am definitely the definition of a mummy’s boy. I wouldn’t have it any other way. My mum is and always has been one of my best friends. I was a premature baby and when born they took me away from mum. Probably to swap me for the true spawn of Satan. Perhaps just for tests. But mum was having none of it. She made the baby she wanted to see the baby and hug the baby. I was a fucking awesome baby too.
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But having constant support and love I feel such a sense of happiness and joy. Mum also taught me the value of openness and honesty. She had her own problems with her childhood and adult life (which is her story to share). Mum didn’t once shelter me from truth and treated me like an adult in that respect. I knew the stories of my real Father, she would say from a young age it was my decision, if I ever wanted to contact him she would help. I didn’t, but it was nice to know offer was there. She encouraged my socialisation and my learning. I wanted to be involved and part of everything. She showed acceptance and open mindedness to all people. They say imitation is the greatest form of flattery well I would say a lot of my personality is similar to my mums. Especially the crappie jokes.

On my birthday I thank you mum for being, I was going to say the best, but I have no real basis for comparison, but awesome doesn’t sound as good. Thank you for being!

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