Written by Benjiman Grant

Hello My Friend, We Meet Again. It’s Been A While, Where Should We Begin?

Reconnecting with friends and family has been an important part of my recovery. Now, these days we are very lucky to have social media and fast ways of connecting. Originally though social media was thoroughly intimidating, I had everything private and hidden. I deleted contacts to become more reclusive. Every time I read something I vaguely disagreed with I became frustrated and negative. I have mentioned before the cyclical nature of mental and physical symptoms, it can be a downward spiral and I was aware I was dragging myself down. The forgiveness and acceptance of people I love and care about, is beautiful and inspiring. I, of course, feel I need to explain and apologise. My brain felt to crowded to even cope with myself, my pain is constant and my attitude was worse. I was focused on negative emotions and it was overwhelming. I didn’t want to be in contact with people, not for my own self image, but for actual fear of emotionally or physically hurting people I cared about. We see in so many films that problems could be solved with communication, and perhaps discussing my problems earlier would of help. I definitely was so lost that the thought of sharing any part of myself was sickening. So the problem in my mind escalated because I couldn’t and wouldn’t let it out.

But god damn, friends, family; you guys, thank you for waiting. Thank you for not judging me because of my limitations. Most importantly, thank you for your care, kind words and inspirational messages.

So in the background to writing todays blog is the England vs. Wales match. Now I dont want to get to bogged down in politics or opinion on things I am not completely educated about. From what I have seen in news however I feel needs highlighting. The behaviour of English fans in Lille; In the video, the mostly drunk fans in the street, mock refugee children of maybe 7 year olds. Racist gestures and throwing of coins at CHILDREN. Alcohol is such a terrible and destructive part of the world, but these people can’t just blame being drunk. This is a humane issue, just don’t treat other people with disrespect. It is so much easier too be nice to people, but why is there some form of stigma on being kind, caring and generous. The other day Luz’s sister Emma, gave a homeless man £10, it was her food money for the day, but she saw he needed it more. This  is a kind gesture, but even so there was a fear, “what if he spends it on drugs or something”. The important thing that Emma knew was that he needed it more than she. Also, when we are kind to others, we get an endorphin rush, a positive feeling, a nice sensation. This shouldn’t be a source of embarrassment, but pride, we should be able to wave our hands in the air and proudly admit that we are being nice to other people. This way one small act of kindness, has created a positive impact on two peoples lives. In this case even more. Emma also shares her daily stories on her facebook page, she has set her the task of 100 days of happiness. She is currently at 80 and I personally hope it continues into 1000’s of days. because positivity can be infectious and inspiring, and every day something is written, is another chance of enhancing someone elses happiness and hope.

The football is entertaining, inside the stadium everyone in full voice and it is the crowd I love at occasions like this, The commentary team are talking about passion, and everyone in the crowd has such national pride. I don’t actually have a great deal of patriotism, not sure why, probably lots of culture and influence in my childhood. I do love an underdog though, and as currently Wales have more Arsenal players and less Sp*rs players I hope they thump England (he says quietly so nobody comes and throws coins at me and makes monkey gestures).

As a kid it was always funny to hear people who didn’t know us say how much I looked like Baz. It was amusing him being my step-dad, but I loved it. I have always had a special connection to Baz. I will definitely dedicate a lot of my time to discuss him as nobody deserves happiness more than him.

Lunchtime almost every day Mum and Baz come to spend sometime with me, to break up my days and give me conversation. The kept coming at my lowest and no matter how low i slipped they were still there. Support is very important in recovery, I applaud anyone who has managed alone, as I relied on my parents and Luz. Today, mum was shopping with a friend in Grantham, so Baz came over on his own to chat. Its great to see both of them together, but I love speaking to mum and baz apart too. I have great friendships with them and share many interests. We have our topics we like to talk about, but it’s nice, it’s a comfort. I know everyone has different relationships with there parents, but take 30 minutes a day, and give them a call, or write them a letter/email/text. Like I mentioned, the act of kindness can help more than one person. Ahhh go on give it a bash, you never know you might just end up smiling.

I have been increasingly interested in all the stats WordPress offers to the blog, it actually makes it much easier to blog, because its giving you a sense of achievement, but also interest. I get to see stats like number of views, and what country my readers are from. I hope that these stats not only inspire me to keep on continuing, but also aide me in creating content that I can see people are interested in. I spent some of my evening last night trying to think of new names for the blog, but I think for now content is here to be written and as I find my audience and my direction a name will come that summarises the content.

As always any comments and discussion is welcome. would love to build a community of support along side the blog.


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