Written by Benjiman Grant

Sorry Is All That You Can Say, Years Gone By And Still, Words Don’t Come Easily Like Sorry.

 

It’s hard to think of a positive when you ask people around you for the smallest bit of help and get absolutely nothing in return.  Tonight I asked friends, loved ones and followers to take 1 second to hit a share button and got not one single response. Not one person could take the most minuscule amount of time to support my request.

I have written this blog for two weeks and only two people have shown any indication of support and positivity towards my writing.

It’s disheartening and I’m not to proud to admit it has me in tears.

I am trying to justify it, people are busy, people don’t sit with the internet in front of them as much as I do. People perhaps are just to polite to admit they aren’t that interested in what I have to say.

While I am fully aware that is rooted in my own hang ups and cravings for attention. It’s frustrating to find out that people cant take 5 minutes a day to read and a second to share.

I made the following request on Facebook and Tumblr tonight:

Can I ask a huge favour. Please could you hit the share button and share my blog.  I am currently adding to it daily and I want to help people both dealing with disabilities and mental illness, but also raise awareness of struggles.

I know I should probably add more cute dog pictures.  However, the blog is about positivity and does have some baby pictures of yours truly adorning it’s ages.

I really want to raise my audience and get more feedback on my content. So please, if you don’t mind take the time to share this link, and if you have 10 minutes have a read of a couple of posts. It might just make you smile.

Thank you.

To get nothing in response, leaves me with a sadness. Amid the constant struggle to be forward thinking and positive, we need a helping hand. I feel let down and ignored. I understand when you isolate yourself for so long it can be hard to gain compassion. Others perhaps don’t want to share or read as it might be too real and they want to stay in their own little bubble.

Times like this are when it’s hardest. The loneliness that comes with being ignored. Just wanting to scream out for someone to hear.  Looking for that care, the metaphorical arm around the shoulder of support.

I can’t do much with my current situation, other than write about my experiences. I don’t however write for my own self gratification. I want readers, interaction, and feedback. I don’t think asking people I care about to read or even share with their followers and friends is too much to ask. There must be some reason that I am overlooking as to why people find It so hard to share the smallest part of generosity and care.

I touched upon it yesterday, but it’s almost stigmatised to be kind to others openly. It’s easier to argue, easier to ignore.

The irony I guess of this post, is that the people I wanted to reach, probably, for whatever reason, won’t read or be part of this journey with me.

I am gutted and feeling like it is fundamentally my own fault somehow.

I’m not sure how to resolve this in my head other than being determined to continue regardless.

I actually do hope people read this and can help me understand why the attention I ask for and crave is so reluctantly given.

This however is the reality of living with mental health issues. Self worth is low, but support and care is also low. It can be immensely infuriating living with invisible illnesses and disability. People can ignore it easily and pretend it’s not happening to me every second of every day.

This is constant for me! I am ALWAYS in pain, it doesn’t take breaks. Even when medicated it’s still there. I don’t get to ignore it and carry on.  I don’t get to pretend life is good a fluffy. I have to work every second to be positive. I have to take so much extra energy to think, to stay calm, to not let my pain and my anxiety get the better of me for more than a second.

Recently the ALS ice bucket challenge was raising awareness for a terrible condition. I imagine most the sufferers would have much preferred a friend to talk to and care directly rather than the viral campaign.  While it was wonderful to see such outpouring of support. You do have to wonder how many did it for their own attention and hubris rather than actually caring about the subject matter.

Well as always it is cathartic to write things out. Perhaps I can rest and reflect on my expectations of the world and where I fit in that world.

A spontaneous mid night chat with Kait helped me focus and realise people have their own lives and concerns. She has 3 beautiful children who will get to enjoy two loving parents and have some seriously amazing smiles. I have lost contact with many people throughout my life due to my own issues.. I really love how some friendships just get stronger over time and through adversity.

This entry was written at 2am on very little sleep, at a 6/10 pain, and as an example that we are not always our best. The positivity and happiness I promote in my blog isn’t easy, we will have harder days and constant struggles. Happiness to me is a very steep hill and I’m very near the Base. I’m travelling the right direction, but it’s a journey I don’t know. I don’t have GPS or a guide. So I won’t rush up this hill, but I will continue moving forward..even if this expedition faces adversity.

For now it is 7.30 and I now have a cat cuddling me and purring away.

I spend Friday afternoons at mum and Baz house. It’s my regular getting out of the house and change of scenery as most of the time I’m not very active, unlike the past few weekends. This had been a great part of my happiness and recovery. Also it’s my childhood home, which always holds a high level of comfort.

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15 thoughts on “Sorry Is All That You Can Say, Years Gone By And Still, Words Don’t Come Easily Like Sorry.

  1. Hey Ben, it’s Michelle (not sure if you remember me? XD). I’m really glad you’re doing better now and I hope it continues. Hope you keep up the blogging – it can take a while to get any feedback, especially on the issues you’re addressing, which is sad. I hate that people don’t want to talk about mental illness or disabilities because of the stigma surrounding them. I mean, that’s exactly why we should be! Anyhow, just wanted to say hi, and that I’ll be reading from now on. 😀

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hey Michelle. Of course I remember you. How the devil are ya? Seen some of your cosplays, just amazing standards.

      I agree hopefully more voices sharing might help people feel it’s not a lonely or gloomy road of no return. I’m also a big impatient goose who likes results.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Each step forward, no matter how small is still moving in the right direction!
    Glad I stumbled, tripped on you blog. I can’t do much from this tablet (changed passwords n short term memory and all that), but reply to this post and I will Tweet and Tumble you in the early am!

    Kind Regards and Keep on posting – K

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aww you are so kind. Thank you. I will definitely continue to post. I just am such a big sponge for attention sometimes that I can forget I’m not quite the centre of the universe. I hope you are well today.

      Like

      1. Shhhhh don’t let that out! Gosh so far this week I,” be been called sweet and now kind! We’ shall have to enlarge doorways to fit my big head !! Lol 😎 I’m still moving forward so I must be doing well! Thanks for asking!

        Kind regards and Fat head – K

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Sweet and kind and big-headed. That’s a pretty awesome CV if you ask me. Because of course big head means extra brains. We will find a way to adjust the world’s doors to fit you in 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your lovely words.
      Its so nice to be in a community of kindness and support, I look forward to your own future writing.

      Be well

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi, I found your blog on OM’s Meet and Greet. Nice to meet you! I write about mental health issues and hope to inspire others. Both myself and my daughter suffered panic attacks, but are now nearly panic free. Look forward to your posts! Have a wonderful week ahead, Jenny

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Jenny, Thank you so much for this message, I shall definitely read through your blog. Sharing is probably the best therapy I have found so far, and connecting with new people like yourself makes being part of this world so worthwhile.

      I hope you had a lovely weekend

      Wookieehugs
      Ben

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Don’t take it to heart – it takes time to build a following and judging by the amount of people commenting I’d say you’re doing a pretty alright job! I started blogging just over 4 months ago and didn’t get a comment or like (not counting my mom and hubby!) for nearly 2 months. Write because you want to, because you need to, because it is healing. The rest will follow. Have a good day 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for taking the time to reply, so very kind of you. I agree it will take time, I just got a bit down, feeling ignored by the closer people in my life and sometimes I think allowing it to flow out onto digital paper sort of softens its internal impact on me.

      I think it is partly to do with wanting that affirmation of acknowledgement by my peers.

      I hope the shimmer stays bright within you, thank you again for taking the time to help me understand myself a bit more.

      Wookiehugs for you!

      Like

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