It’s hard to think of a positive when you ask people around you for the smallest bit of help and get absolutely nothing in return. Tonight I asked friends, loved ones and followers to take 1 second to hit a share button and got not one single response. Not one person could take the most minuscule amount of time to support my request.
I have written this blog for two weeks and only two people have shown any indication of support and positivity towards my writing.
It’s disheartening and I’m not to proud to admit it has me in tears.
I am trying to justify it, people are busy, people don’t sit with the internet in front of them as much as I do. People perhaps are just to polite to admit they aren’t that interested in what I have to say.
While I am fully aware that is rooted in my own hang ups and cravings for attention. It’s frustrating to find out that people cant take 5 minutes a day to read and a second to share.
I made the following request on Facebook and Tumblr tonight:
Can I ask a huge favour. Please could you hit the share button and share my blog. I am currently adding to it daily and I want to help people both dealing with disabilities and mental illness, but also raise awareness of struggles.
I know I should probably add more cute dog pictures. However, the blog is about positivity and does have some baby pictures of yours truly adorning it’s ages.
I really want to raise my audience and get more feedback on my content. So please, if you don’t mind take the time to share this link, and if you have 10 minutes have a read of a couple of posts. It might just make you smile.
To get nothing in response, leaves me with a sadness. Amid the constant struggle to be forward thinking and positive, we need a helping hand. I feel let down and ignored. I understand when you isolate yourself for so long it can be hard to gain compassion. Others perhaps don’t want to share or read as it might be too real and they want to stay in their own little bubble.
Times like this are when it’s hardest. The loneliness that comes with being ignored. Just wanting to scream out for someone to hear. Looking for that care, the metaphorical arm around the shoulder of support.
I can’t do much with my current situation, other than write about my experiences. I don’t however write for my own self gratification. I want readers, interaction, and feedback. I don’t think asking people I care about to read or even share with their followers and friends is too much to ask. There must be some reason that I am overlooking as to why people find It so hard to share the smallest part of generosity and care.
I touched upon it yesterday, but it’s almost stigmatised to be kind to others openly. It’s easier to argue, easier to ignore.
The irony I guess of this post, is that the people I wanted to reach, probably, for whatever reason, won’t read or be part of this journey with me.
I am gutted and feeling like it is fundamentally my own fault somehow.
I’m not sure how to resolve this in my head other than being determined to continue regardless.
I actually do hope people read this and can help me understand why the attention I ask for and crave is so reluctantly given.
This however is the reality of living with mental health issues. Self worth is low, but support and care is also low. It can be immensely infuriating living with invisible illnesses and disability. People can ignore it easily and pretend it’s not happening to me every second of every day.
This is constant for me! I am ALWAYS in pain, it doesn’t take breaks. Even when medicated it’s still there. I don’t get to ignore it and carry on. I don’t get to pretend life is good a fluffy. I have to work every second to be positive. I have to take so much extra energy to think, to stay calm, to not let my pain and my anxiety get the better of me for more than a second.
Recently the ALS ice bucket challenge was raising awareness for a terrible condition. I imagine most the sufferers would have much preferred a friend to talk to and care directly rather than the viral campaign. While it was wonderful to see such outpouring of support. You do have to wonder how many did it for their own attention and hubris rather than actually caring about the subject matter.
Well as always it is cathartic to write things out. Perhaps I can rest and reflect on my expectations of the world and where I fit in that world.
A spontaneous mid night chat with Kait helped me focus and realise people have their own lives and concerns. She has 3 beautiful children who will get to enjoy two loving parents and have some seriously amazing smiles. I have lost contact with many people throughout my life due to my own issues.. I really love how some friendships just get stronger over time and through adversity.
This entry was written at 2am on very little sleep, at a 6/10 pain, and as an example that we are not always our best. The positivity and happiness I promote in my blog isn’t easy, we will have harder days and constant struggles. Happiness to me is a very steep hill and I’m very near the Base. I’m travelling the right direction, but it’s a journey I don’t know. I don’t have GPS or a guide. So I won’t rush up this hill, but I will continue moving forward..even if this expedition faces adversity.
For now it is 7.30 and I now have a cat cuddling me and purring away.
I spend Friday afternoons at mum and Baz house. It’s my regular getting out of the house and change of scenery as most of the time I’m not very active, unlike the past few weekends. This had been a great part of my happiness and recovery. Also it’s my childhood home, which always holds a high level of comfort.