I’m Too Depressed To Go On
You’ll Be Sorry When I’m Gone
Today I am sharing a document I wrote about 5 years ago. WARNING – the writing content, is from one of the darkest times in my life. I want to share it to show everyone there is hope.
Featured Image – A daffodil from our garden, earlier this year. It is a juxtaposition to the content of this post, but to show that beauty is there in the simplest place.
Title Song – Blink 182 – Adam’s Song. A song about depression and some of the thoughts that run through our heads.
Depression: a view of my lowest moment
So today is a difficult pain day. Spasms all night, such a bad nights rest. once upon a time the pain would have overwhelmed my mental health. I wasn’t able to cope, there was simply no balance in my life. Today I am more self aware, I understand I need to rest, regain my focus and let my body and mind recover. As such I haven’t much motivation to write.
Fortunately I have constantly been writing througout my illness, I have word documents scattered every where on various devices, from so many moments.
This is one of those documents from about 5 years ago, In the depths of my depression, I felt dead. I say therapy saved my life, I was never suicidal, but I had no purpose to even get out of bed.
If you have depression or can react to triggers, you might want to not read the following as it may upset or worse. Please also bear in mind the contents of this post are extremely personal and from my darkest moments. This isn’t easy to share, but that is the point. Sharing and letting people in is very hard, but very worth it in my opinion.
Frustrations, anger, depression….
List of things that get me worked up
Pain – being constantly incapable. the pain isn’t just physical, but it manifests itself in my head, it tortures me not being able to be comfortable, being unable to move in certain ways. I am thoroughly consumed by pain and never see any respite
Paul (my real father) I actually want to see him dead. This maybe brutal, but this is a person who not only abandoned a child and never acted as a father. This is a man who after abusing drugs, and contracting diseases never learnt his lesson. He took it further by physical and emotionally abusing my mum.
House – our landlords are lazy, our house is damp and really not fit for humans.
Me – my own mind, its a trap, i want to escape.
Jango – I cant walk my own dog, i cant groom him, he loves me so unconditionally, but there is almost nothing I can do for him.
Artoo and Deetoo – New kittens are brilliant, but they dont understand pain, they cant help but walk on me in sleep and it hurts. I am left with no sleep and hate them for walking on me.
Luz – I can feel so ignored, so left alone. Asking for help becomes a chore for me, I am a constant burden on her life. I cant do anything to reciprocate. I want her to be free and happy, but I cant help but think she would be better off with out me.
Mum and Baz – they try so hard to help, but its just overwhelming, I feel bad when they come round and I cant even speak to them for fear of screaming. I love them, but so many days I wish I could be a proper son. I am nearly 30 and have no idea what i would do if anything bad happened to them.
Luz’s Family – I used to get on with them so well, but I dont get involved with any occassions anymore, it can be agony, and it takes all my energy to even get up, how am i supposed to socialise when all I want to do is scream
“Friends” – I have pushed so many of them away, but i feel so distant, nobody tried that little bit harder to see me. I cant help but feel if i had a well know illness like cancer i would get more support from people. They cant see anything wrong with me so its easier to ignore. I cant listen to stories of happiness, or social media. Everything makes me angry and frustrated.
GP (Dr Davison) just useless, no support whatsoever, no care to find out about my condition. I was diagnosed with CRPS/RSD by the pain management clinic, but she refuses to acknowledge that, i ask her to write notes for benefits and sick notes, they just say “neck and arm pain” and I see a Psychiatrist and no mention of my mental health either. I want a doctor who will look after me.
Psych (Dr Drybala) – he is too pushy, he touched my good arm the other day, and I cant help but feel his hand on my arm and it makes me angry and sick. I told him i want to be left alone, but he just seems to want to push my buttons and make me more angry. Just tell me whats wrong and give me the tablets to fix it.
My Family (The Grants) never had much contact with them, my grandad, whom i loved dearly died last year, and I only found out 3 or 4 days afterwards because my mum who happened to be on his email mailing list got a message about his funeral memorial service. Not one person thought to take 5 minutes to inform me.
Other crap that annoys me daily:
- Bills and Companies
- Leaving the House
- Lack of Libido
- Voices inside my head
- inability to speak about my issues
- Waste of Life
- Wanting to be free of this nightmare
- Indescribable anger with no reason or justification
- Homicidal thoughts.
- Wanting to chop my arm off
- Wanting to hurt myself (asthetically)
- Death – Gunna, Chewy, Gruff, Cy
- Inability to enjoy anything
- Inability to concentrate properly
- Inability to focus
- Inability to make conversation, small talk etc.
- No motivation for life
I understand that the content in this might offend or upset some close to me, I apologise whole heartedly. I love you all and I am so sorry I fell so far away and pushed you away.
But for me time to rest, relax, have a cup of tea and listen to some podcasts. I recommend you do the same, after enjoying todays song: