Well I Tripped, I Fell Down Naked
Well I Scratched My Knees, They Bled
Today I am taking a look at the changes I have made in the past 5 years, And I suppose I will speak about the EU vote a little.
Featured Image – “I’ve got those happy feet” I took this photo in a pub called Carpe Diem, in Leeds. Carpe Diem – Seize the day. Both the place and the message resonated in me, I loved to skank!
Title Song – Billy Talent – Try Honesty – I think honesty with ourselves helps us reconnect to the world. It was either this or Fall Back Down by Rancid for today.
Can We Be In Remission From Depression?
So yesterday I shared some writing that was from my lowest moment. I now want to look at those statements and show my reaction to them now. I am of course in a happier place, but this is very much due to my own self awareness. So let’s have a look at what I have learned:
Frustrations, anger, depression….Happiness, Smiles and Positivity
maybe i should do this with a warning of sickeningly jubilant content.
List of things that get me worked up List of positivity through lessons I have learned about myself
Pain – being constantly incapable. the pain isn’t just physical, but it manifests itself in my head, it tortures me not being able to be comfortable, being unable to move in certain ways. I am thoroughly consumed by pain and never see any respite I am not constantly incapable, I need to be more focused and calm to find a place I can call comfortable. It’s hard but respite truly is achievable and hopeful more.
Paul (my real father) I actually want to see him dead. This maybe brutal, but this is a person who not only abandoned a child and never acted as a father. This is a man who after abusing drugs, and contracting diseases never learnt his lesson. He took it further by physical and emotionally abusing my mum. Let’s call a spade a spade, he is still a cunt (sorry for those who this offends, but he is, he really is). But I don’t need to occupy my thoughts with him or his previous actions. Paul is not my father, But more importantly I am not his son. I have a father in Baz and proud to be his son.
House – our landlords are lazy, our house is damp and really not fit for humans. We moved! it was stressful, painful and scary, but we did it! new house is lovely and in a cul de sac with nice neighbours
Me – my own mind, it’s a trap, i want to escape. I can escape, by being social and part of the world again. My own mind was a prison of my own construction, but like all prisons, it had a key.
Jango – I can’t walk my own dog, i can’t groom him, he loves me so unconditionally, but there is almost nothing I can do for him. I care about him enough to be bothered that i was not good enough. I love him and we spend so much time together, he has become such a companion. I do as much as I can.
Artoo and Deetoo – New kittens are brilliant, but they don’t understand pain, they can’t help but walk on me in sleep and it hurts. I am left with no sleep and hate them for walking on me. Well slightly sad, because Artoo passed away. But older cats definitely understand pain, Deetoo is so careful not to stand on me, she gets scared away if I flinch or sharp intake of breath. Plus she always seems to know the really bad days and comes under the quilt for a hug.
Luz – I can feel so ignored, so left alone. Asking for help becomes a chore for me, I am a constant burden on her life. I can’t do anything to reciprocate. I want her to be free and happy, but I can’t help but think she would be better off without me. Luz works a fulltime job, looks after me, copes with me, and still has time to squeeze in a little bit of life for herself. I have learnt to be less demanding with my dependency, but also to ask instead of struggling. If it hurts and I am grumpy, I say so, no point bottling it up, or taking out my own frustration at being in pain. She could probably find someone more able than me, but better, NAH, I’M FUCKING AWESOME! 😀
Mum and Baz – they try so hard to help, but it’s just overwhelming, I feel bad when they come round and I can’t even speak to them for fear of screaming. I love them, but so many days I wish I could be a proper son. I am nearly 30 and have no idea what i would do if anything bad happened to them. Ironically, while writing today’s blog I was with Mum and Baz as I use a Friday to get out of my 4 walls and spend some time with people I love. That’s not the irony, I actually had to stop the blog writing because I was having an argument with Mum.
There is workers who are working on their upstairs neighbours, garden (which is down a path behind my parents garden). These workers took it upon themselves to go into my parents garden, which is hedged off, so they have to go down a side path to even get into, let alone see in. They stole an old lawnmower that was in the garden and put it with their own things. This was the other day, they claimed innocence that it was a mistake that they thought it was part of the garden they were working on; that was round the corner, down a 10m path behind a 2m hedge. There innocence seems much more in dispute now, as today Baz realised that his garden rake had also been stolen. Checking to see if it was round the back of their shed, he found no rake, but where the lovely workers had decided to use as their toilet. They had kindly left two piles of shite and piss!
OK right, that’s fucking disgusting, abysmal, unbelievable behaviour. But argument started when I told mum to calm and focus on the facts of the crime to report it to the neighbour above who was employing them, and to the police. Obviously angry at the 驢不要臉 <Lǘ bùyào liǎn>, mum wasn’t in a place to be calm. I got offended that she was constantly trying to blame it on them being pikeys (Travellers) and that they were stealing a rake as some kind of master plan to get all the garden equipment they need for world domination. I may have paraphrased slightly. Mum then decided it was time to barge out, slammed the door on table and it shook my arm, and well FUCKING OWWWW!
So i had to stop blogging, sit down myself and relax and try and focus on staying calm, even though OWWWWW! But I was initially, just hoping the whole situation wouldn’t make my Mum as angry as it did, even though it’s disgusting, it’s completely pointless to get stressed about. Stress is physically taking something out on yourself, avoiding it makes life easier. I just wanted to see my Mum not upset. So we got in an argument…WHAT? yes I know i’m an idiot!
Oh right the point, yes, there we are. I’m not quite the perfect son, but I try alot harder than I used to, I am less selfish and I care a lot more about both of them than I ever have before.
Luz’s Family – I used to get on with them so well, but I don’t get involved with any occassions anymore, it can be agony, and it takes all my energy to even get up, how am i supposed to socialise when all I want to do is scream I love them, Nothing, but love and support for me, and welcoming me with open arms as I slowly edge my way back to a level of normalcy.
“Friends” – I have pushed so many of them away, but i feel so distant, nobody tried that little bit harder to see me. I can’t help but feel if i had a well known illness like cancer i would get more support from people. They can’t see anything wrong with me so it’s easier to ignore. I can’t listen to stories of happiness, or social media. Everything makes me angry and frustrated. Yeah, so some are probably reading this, some have helped be the inspiration to writing, some have been there during my lowest moments, some i hid from. The one constant, they are still friends. They still give a damn about me. They have their own lives and a lot has happened that I have missed, but I can’t wait to be a part of it.
GP (Dr Davison) just useless, no support whatsoever, no care to find out about my condition. I was diagnosed with CRPS/RSD by the pain management clinic, but she refuses to acknowledge that, i ask her to write notes for benefits and sick notes, they just say “neck and arm pain” and I see a Psychiatrist and no mention of my mental health either. I want a doctor who will look after me. A little frustratingly this tale is still quite accurate, many an appointment since, many an “oh yes the pain, never wanting to refer to the CRPS) I called her out on this at our most recent, and she mumbled, read through notes and saw the pain management specialists pages of detail and his diagnosis. She doesn’t seem to know the condition so doesn’t care. But this is still something I can and need to solve. We moved house, but I am too scared to go and register at a new doctor. A few reasons, it will affect my tablets changing doctors means changing prescription and there might be a time without my tablets that i truly fear. I have learned that I can overcome fears though, and I might need a little push, but will get there.
Psych (Dr Drybala) – he is too pushy, he touched my good arm the other day, and I can’t help but feel his hand on my arm and it makes me angry and sick. I told him i want to be left alone, but he just seems to want to push my buttons and make me more angry. Just tell me what’s wrong and give me the tablets to fix it. He pushed me, I needed it, i didn’t realise. He found out my worst parts and realised quickly I needed psychotherapy. He has since retired and I have moved to a new Psychiatrist, but i know so much more about myself because of Dr Drybala.
My Family (The Grants) never had much contact with them, my grandad, whom i loved dearly died last year, and I only found out 3 or 4 days afterwards because my mum who happened to be on his email mailing list got a message about his funeral memorial service. Not one person thought to take 5 minutes to inform me. Oh this one is easy, Forgiveness. this isn’t something people need to apologise about, this is grief, death is terrible and affects us all it different ways. I can’t put my expectations on other people when I couldn’t keep myself together at that time. I needed to forgive myself to, for not being more involved, for shying away and not being in contact.
Other crap that annoys me daily:
Internet Dont read if it annoys me.
News As above
Bills and Companies Benefits actually helped financial stability
Benefits Who’d have thunk, Tory government, smoother benefit application, I expect that to change next time however.
Telephone Don’t answer if uncomfortable.
Neighbours We moved, nice neighbours now.
Leaving the House Getting better at this, slowly but surely.
Loneliness This still happens, I spend a lot of time alone, but I am better able to occupy myself.
Boredom Sort of as above, but also finding hobbies and activities i was able to do helped.
Lack of Libido Still not really come back, This is a fear of pain issue. Sex kind of is associated with pain, and sadly not the good sort. My Psychotherapist often spoke of this as something I should be aware of. I am, but it’s not being quite as responsive as the other parts of my recovery.
Tablets I am on a balance of tablets that I have been steadily taking for a long time now. No terrible side effects anymore
Voices inside my head kinda still there, mostly internal screaming, and I know it’s all pain. with rest and focus, they are quiet.
inability to speak about my issues Well would you look at this blog ^^
Waste of Life I definitely was wasting it, I wasn’t a waste though. I just needed to embrace it
Wanting to be free of this nightmare So I finally got help!
Indescribable anger with no reason or justification I found out, it was because of Pain, it’s so obvious now I know!
Homicidal thoughts. I had anger and frustration and It manifested itself in scary ways. no longer thankfully.
Wanting to chop my arm off I still reckon if I lop it off, I might get into a robocop scheme or something? no?ok!
Wanting to hurt myself (aesthetically) obviously because hurting myself physically is easy as pie, I wanted to have visible signs of pain, i wanted people to see i was hurting. I realise now, it’s easier to just tell them.
Death – Gunna, Chewy, Gruff, Cy Loved ones will always hurt when lost, but talking about it helps no end, we can’t deal with things alone, we need another voice of reason sometimes to understand our own grief.
Inability to enjoy anything Geebus man, cheer up, but seriously in the lowest moments, things are so hard to grasp onto and enjoy. for me Tim Minchin’s comedy and music was a huge thing, I clung to that as my tiny bit of joy. One day I will thank the man personally for something he never realised he did.
Inability to concentrate properly …..SQUIRREL?
Inability to focus Ok so these two kinda go together. finding outlets and realising that just dedicating a small amount of time to them. it gives you intention to do more. you watch a bit of a TV show, perhaps watch 2 episodes, maybe a season. little things are very important, it is about the tiniest steps.
Inability to make conversation, small talk etc. I still am very self conscious and nervous around other people, I don’t want to constantly talk about my disability, or be invisible pain, but I am also aware it can be an elephant in the room. As a consequence I think about its ramifications too much and forget to focus on just talking and having fun. I think this will come with practice and time, I just need to spend more time with people.
No motivation for life Well just look at all this red text, I think I have a fair bit more than I did then. I feel like a person again.
Right so, that’s my positive outlook on my lowest moments. I am actually proud of myself, I have come a long way. I am so thankful for the support of my loved ones and the psychological therapy that has helped me so much over the past 2/3 years especially.
Well didn’t we put the Dum in Referendum! I don’t want to get all hoity toity about politics, but this is the message I shared on my facebook page earlier today:
“Please don’t overreact today. A decision didn’t go they way many had hoped. But don’t let that allow you to throw hatred at the other people who made their decision.
Hyperbolic comments about leave voters being uneducated bigots are equally as ridiculous as any view Farage may have. Just because people have a different view doesn’t make them lesser.
28% of the registered voters didn’t vote tonight. That’s the real shame. 28% just don’t care enough to have a view either way.
But please don’t throw around hate and anger where you just feel disappointment. Today is a new day and may be different from what we hoped, but we are all people and deserve to treat each other with respect.
I voted remain because I believe in the strength of humanity together, I’m not going to turn on the people with a different opinion to mine just to exhaust my frustration at the result of a fair vote.
Please smile today and remember we are all still living and in the world together.”
Going to see Gotham Vs London tomorrow, Roller Derby tastic day of fun ahead. I will be back on Monday for my next blog.
Enjoy the workings of Billy Talent today, have a little rock out to this catchy little bugger.