‘Cos Everyday We Pay The Price With A Little Sacrifice,
Jammin’ Till The Jam Is Through
Today I feel a bit sorry for myself and then talk about treatments and medication specifically my use of Marijuana. To finish, a little bit more of my creative writing.
Featured Image – Deetoo, from yesterday morning when I was laying in bed. She comes to give me hugs whenever I cry. between her and Jango I am spoilt for unconditional love sometimes.
Title Song – Bob Marley – Jammin’. Another song from home, introduced to me by my parents, I love this track so much. As a child I was convinced he said Ben Jammin. Which is where my misspelling of my name comes from for most of my social media.
Some days I sit alone at home and actually get sad for myself. Luz works 8.30-4 Monday to Friday, so other than a lunchtime visit from my parents and a Friday visit to their house. I spend a lot of my time alone. I wish I was more confident to just invite people round to spend time with. I wish I wasn’t in so much pain that i could consider getting the village bus to get out and about. I rely so much on Luz and our car for my tastes of life. I get a little sad I am missing out and being forgotten. Loneliness and Boredom are such a cruel part of disability. It can be hard to occupy yourself when you just want to cry or be hugged. Thank the stars for the internet. I’d be lost without that contact to the outside world.
A slightly melancholic start today, But not every day can start with positivity. But that’s why the day is there. We can find ways to make it better, or we can rest and nap and start again tomorrow.
Treatment and Medication
So, mornings! The start of the day is always the hardest, I struggle to get out bed. Its motivation that is lacking. The motivation to push through the pain and get my day beginning. I think it’s also a touch of fear; Not wanting this day to be a bad day, not wanting to make mistakes or causing excruciating pain.
My spark of energy often comes from the knowledge that i need to eat, I need to take my morning tablets with food. When i was younger, Baz had serious mental health problems, I used to see it daily as I was in my teens. One of the most harrowing memories is the really bad times when he was at his lowest. I always remember that he often used to change his own medication or stop taking tablets. This really stuck with me. I have had other health issues myself and since then, one of the things i have really held onto is that Doctors prescribe me the medication, only at their advice would I change my dosage or cut things out.
For me my medication is an important part of my recovery. I cannot discount their impact. It took me a very long time to find a combination of drugs that worked. I had many horrendous side effects and even addictions to opioids. Through all that I still kept faith in the medication.
I must however mention my use of Marijuana. About 3 years ago, I began smoking one spliff a night. The pain benefits were immediately noticeable, i found myself able to sleep for more than two or three hours a night. This made a knock on effect on my mood, my piece of mind was settled for the first time in years. I finally had focus. I continued to take weed via smoking for a few years. I hate smoking, the taste, the aftertaste, the smell, the lingering feeling. My parents both smoked tobacco as a child and I think it held no magic excitement for me because of that. About a year and a half ago, Luz and I moved house. With the move we became more localised, we had neighbours and people close to us. I was standing in the garden shed smoking to get my fix of pain relief. It wasn’t working the same, mostly because I was embarrassed to be taking an illegal substance and was trying to hide the smell and action from neighbours. I was introduced to a vaporiser called Crafty, i could put a small pinch of my ‘Spinach’ in it and “smoke” it with no tobacco, much less smell and most importantly, the method of vaporising was maximising the effect of the good parts of the weed in my system. I noticed immediately that my pain relief became almost instant, this isn’t like morphine or anything super effective. It does however work as an anti-inflammatory and a muscle relaxant. This reduced the tension and stress in my body. I often say my pain settles at around a 5 out of 10. Weed makes that more like a 3 or 4 out of 10. This may not sound like a huge amount, but for me it is the difference i needed to push past my incapabilities and begin to cope.
This is not to mention the mental effects. I did notice when I started using the crafty, I would become excessively chatty for about an hour. I realised I was getting such a release of stress, that I was able to focus on my thoughts more clearly. Unfortunately for Luz this meant that I was verbally spilling out all my thoughts and bombarding her with all the things I was locking up or not able to process. It took me a while to focus that attitude into writing and creativity.
Now I am in a place where my use of marijuana augments my ability to live a life. I dose it, I use it as a medication. This isn’t a social drug for me, it’s not used for a good time. I have serious conditions and I use this in addition to my prescribed medication. I treat it in the same way and with the same care I would with prescribed medication. This i find important, i am fully aware after opioid addiction the negative effects drugs can have on our lives.
I don’t want to promote illegal behaviour, I don’t want to be self medicating, but quite simply for me Marijuana is a drug that I simply cannot understand why its medical effects are taking so long to be recognised by medical communities. It has such a taboo, such negative connotations because of its illegal nature, but also because of its association with smoking and tobacco. Let me be clear, I personally believe that Marijuana is safer than tobacco, alcohol, and even some prescribed drugs. I am no scientist, no doctor, so I can’t say with medical knowledge, but in my experience, I have nothing but positive effects.
I also want to touch on another treatment that helped me a great deal at one of my worst times; Acupuncture. Sleep was near impossible, pain was constantly close to a 6 or 7 out of 10. I was so weak, so empty. Acupuncture was offered as part of physiotherapy. My grandad used to see a chinese doctor once a week for an acupuncture session. I didn’t really know how it affected him, but knowing he did it weekly made it enough for me to give it a try.
Literally the first session of acupuncture I fell asleep with the needles in, I was sat up in a comfortable bed, with the physio twisting the needles every 5/10 minutes to stimulate the nerves. It was heavenly. I can only compare it to the feeling of a foot rub after a long day on your feet. It was utter bliss, for the first time I could focus. It did not act as a pain relief, I still couldn’t move comfortably, but it was like it stimulated my body so much I wasn’t focusing on merely the pain.
Unfortunately the way our NHS works, I could only get 6 weeks of acupuncture before I had to be referred back to my GP, who would then decide whether to move me forward and chose to refer me again. this would take months, leaving me without the acupuncture that I had enjoyed so thoroughly. It happened that the low points of my breakdown coincided with not receiving the treatment or support from my GP. I lost faith and stopped the treatment in favour of focusing on my mental condition.
I made my mental health a priority for many years, I always considered that I wouldn’t be able to physically cope until I was able to control the demons and pain I felt inside my mind. I can live with the physical pain, but the mental torture was too much combined with that. So the past few years have been me focusing on that. I do want to return to physical therapy and start making positive steps towards dealing with my pain. After years of mental therapy I am aware how much effort and concentration it takes to progress through treatment. So i made the decision to focus on my mind, and then the body would come next. I feel this was the right decision as now being in a much better place mentally, leaves me less afraid of the physical side of my disability.
My next personal step, will be to get back into physical treatment, and focus on finding ways to cope with CRPS and the issues it brings. For now I am quite exhausted from the mental therapy, and am also still learning and processing all that gave to me. I have learned however that I am in no rush. I don’t need to get stressed that tomorrow will still be a painful day. One day I will find my time and focus on rehabilitation. For now I am able to cope with my life with disability and I am able to do so much more than I could 2 years ago.
We often look for fast results, we react with kneejerk, uncontrolled reactions that can make our journey more stressful. taking time, reflecting, understanding ourselves is so important. I would find myself blaming the world around me for my disabilities and projecting my own fears and nerves onto the people in the world. Time is a big healing factor, inasmuch as it gives us the focus, the breath and the moments to realise that our first reaction isn’t always positive and can be detrimental to our health.
There sadly is no handbook for coping, or getting better, no surefire way, no universal cure. There is however one thing we all share, time. Take that time, find things that you have passion for, your path is your own. Nobody can have all the answers for how your journey will take you. We take our first steps in the darkness of our own mind, and only then can we get the help from the outside.
Once again, feedback over the past blogs and the receipt of acknowledgment that my writing is a making a difference, I am left with such grateful thanks for those who take the time to share a piece of my life. I hope i can continue to give you entertainment and positivity, as the words you share with me in return make it completely worthwhile and give me the extra boost to wake up and write again.
When the world began
Sharing a little part of my creative writing again. Here is the first two scenes of my as yet untitled screenplay.
Set in the same universe as my Lady Stray prologue from yesterday. But this is the origins of a world thousands of years before.
Pre-warning, It is quite a visual and horrific start to a story, It may not be suitable reading for those who are easily squeamish.
INT. METAL CELL TIME UNKNOWN
The room spiraling and spinning around SIAN is cautious to move as she flicks her eyes around the room to try and figure out where she is, and what happened.
To her left a motionless body of an OLD MAN, what appears to be a pool of blood is settled around his waist.
Fearfully continuing, but also struggling with limited light SIAN makes out the silhouette of two more bodies lain across the floor.
The floor, she grips it with her hands, is made out of a very cold and harsh metal, a grate of sorts, she looks down to see if it possible to see through.
The noise is enough to distract SIAN’S gaze. She looks towards the source, and the room seems clearer. Near the body is a cot, similar to that in a prison cell. She notices another figure huddled up in the corner upon the cot.
The huddled figure is nervously looking up at the body where the noise came from. When she meets with SIAN’S eyes, she quickly and frantically covers herself with her hooded top and pulls her knees in closer.
Recognising the fear of the YOUNG GIRL on the cot SIAN realises that she must try and comfort her worry.
(Gasping as no sound comes)
Checking for damage to her throat, she resolves to try and move from her prone position. As she is unable to move her body as she commands, she looks down to see two brutally hacked stumps where her legs used to be.
The agony unrealised until now, was overwhelming, the YOUNG GIRL peering from beneath her hooded top tries her hardest to retreat into the wall she is leaning against.
CUT TO BLACK.
EXT. EARTH DAYTIME
A child is running across a lush green field, chasing his puppy he is laughing and gleeful in his pursuit. As his hound evades capture, he runs through couples embracing and looking up to the sun, others wandering hand in hand, pouring drinks and eating, this place is alive with happiness and the sense of occasion. Everyone is gathered in a beautiful vista. In the distance the sun is beaming down on them all.
Backed up against some rocks the dog senses his nearing capture and goes prone as if to surprise his assailant. The child sneaking now notices the puppy, given away by its wagging tail.
He readies himself to pounce towards the excited mutt.
As they both leap towards each other a split second of shock is seen on the child’s face.
The sky is instantly blackened with the shadow of the clouds, but the darkness was nothing compared to the explosion. An electrical hum resonated and popped into a cacophony of noise deafening to anyone who heard it. People fell to the ground holding their ears, screaming, wailing and crying in pain and fear. Some tried to run but no direction was safe. The sky now had a purple hue. The clouds began to separate, and those who were still left could only see a dark purple mist appearing. As quickly as it appeared it enveloped the world, The once beautiful vista was swallowed whole. The poor souls to survive this long left to choke as their lungs burnt from the inside out.
The child lays still, the dog’s limp body covering his, his pupils dilated and purple in colour.
CUT TO: CREDITS
Today’s song needs no introduction. Some music has the gift of making us happy no matter what state we are in. So get up dance, sing along and smile while enjoying…I have chosen the live version as Bob Marley is such a brilliant performer, sometimes I don’t think his music alone gives full justice to his gift.