Written by Benjiman Grant

But I’m A Creep, I’m A Weirdo, What The Heck Am I Doing Here?

But I’m A Creep, I’m A Weirdo,
What The Heck Am I Doing Here?

Today I made a video…woo! I will share that and also discuss loneliness, Paul Rudd and offer support.

Featured Image – Today you get the other great companion in my life, Jango! He rawks!

Title Song – Richard Cheese – Creep (Radiohead Cover) – Honestly it could have been almost any of his Covers, they sum up how I feel so well. I am happy, but underneath it’s still sucky and painful.


Paul Rudd, lonely, depressing depression is depressing the depressed.

So Paul Rudd, like has the guy ever put a foot wrong? He can be in bad movies, but still stand out and be a good point. He needs more appreciation for his awesomeness!

I want to concentrate on one of his works; ‘I Love You Man’. This film for me is far too easy to relate with. I never was great at making friends with Men, I was always very nervous around them, and always as a younger man, found I prefered the company and conversation of the women in the world. Because of this I never really had that “best friend”, that one someone who you could just kind of be yourself with. but have it be 100% platonic. That was until Gruff, Sometimes you make a friend and you just know that they have your back. In every sense possible, I knew it was a friendship that would continue. I knew, This will be the Best Man at my wedding.

So yeah, fuck cancer, right? I really struggled with Gruff passing. (I won’t go into the details in this post, but sometime in the future!) It left me feeling extremely empty, and I took a really long time to realise what was missing. When I proposed to Luz, I realised, I had nobody I could call on as a Best Man. This was a part of my first breakdown I think. I never let myself close to people. After Gruff, before depression hit, I started to keep people at arm’s length.

I still to this day find it difficult to interact with men in the same ways I can feel comfortable to express myself in front of women.  I just hate the predictability of conversation with men, I want to be honest and share, not pretend I’m a laddy lad. So yeah, never really ‘replaced’ Gruff in my life.

So I love you man is Paul Rudds, journey to find a best man, make a best friend. I never felt up for that journey. We would write wedding lists of people and as I fell deeper into depression the list of people I wanted there whittled down to Mum, Baz and Jango. Jango obviously the Best Man, his speech would have been brilliant!  Sadly the wedding took a back burner to my health. plans faded, ideas and dreams were lost. We are now at a point in our lives where having compromised so much to just be here, things like a wedding day have maybe passed me by.  I want to keep my relationship relatively private as with other people’s stories, they are not mine to share without permission. Being in a relationship through disability and depression is monumentally difficult. I told Luz to leave me numerous times so she could have a better life without me dragging her down. I love the support and care so much, but I will always hold a guilt for not being able to offer a life we both used to dream of.

Connecting with people again has made me aware of how far away I had got. I’m so uncomfortable and unsure of myself in conversation and basic interaction. But I know I want to be near people, I think i need to be near people. I feel such an empathy for people, I love feeding off other peoples energy. I’m like a non-sexual incubus…mmmm Brandon Boyd. Anyways, yes so I know I want to be part of the world, but I have kinda forgotten how.

Video

So today I made a video for @healthyplace on instagram and twitter. here is a sneak preview for my readers of what I said. It is fucking hard work summing up life with disability and mental health problems in less than 25 seconds. I have recorded about 50 videos around this one. I will make an amusing outtakes video when I can muster the patience to edit my own face!

 

“I am always here to help in any way I can”

I was thinking while making the video of what I wanted to hear, when I was in the lowest part of my life. I wouldn’t have wanted people to force their opinions or their words upon me. However, I still wanted the care, I wanted to be thought of and not forgotten. I think, if you have anyone in your life struggle with mental/physical illness, you can say “I am always here to help in any way I can”. I think on the really lonely days words like that help. the smallest thing can brighten those dark times. Maybe a quick message to an old friend might help them remember someone in the rest of the world still cares. I never doubt the people in my life cared for me, but sometimes I wish it was less stigmatised to be forthcoming with care and love.

So the Richard Cheese version of creep – so the video is a little extra today, it’s a puppet show version! IT’S A PUPPET!!!!! ahem. Right for today’s music, I require you to wait until around 10 pm, after  a long day, i need you to relax with a Brandy in one hand and a Cigar in the other. don’t drink or smoke either, this is all about aesthetics baby. Right so slippers on! smoking jacket on! sat in an old wing back chair. sit down and wrap your ear lobes around this funky little ditty! ahem I may have been possessed by the jazz there.

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