It’s No Surprise To Me,
I Am My Own Worst Enemy!
Today I write some stuff in the format of a blog. There is also a poem and some deep philosophy from my youthful self.
Featured Image – another one of my yoghurt pot positivity messages. Even the butter told me to relax the other day. I think our food is beginning to sense our problems and become supportive.
Title Song – Lit – My Own Worst Enemy – Coz every now and then I kick the living shit out of me!!!! The smoke alarm is going off and there’s a cigareeeeeeeeeeete…still buuuuurning…please tell me whyyyyyyyyyayyyayayyyyyyy!!!!
So yesterday became a bit sad, I spent way too long on that video and it really began to weigh me down by the afternoon. Repeating “living with, chronic regional pain syndrome, depression and anxiety disorders” over and over again, wore me out. I was only able to focus on negatives for a while. I tried to relax, we watched an episode of Bob Ross painting and then a film, then I decided bed and resetting was the best option.
I went to bed to watch the football and try and rest my mind a lot. My heart was hurting though, like pangs of sadness. The only thing I can relate with the feeling, is that of a teenager desperately wanting to find their place and be loved both intimately and emotionally. I felt quite lonely. Which is odd because i’m speaking to more people than I have in a long time. I do feel lonely and it gets frustrating that the smallest negative can just completely overwhelm all the positives I have experienced recently.
I think it is related to my low self confidence. I am trying to be honest about so much of my life, and it might seem that I am confidently opening up and showing a side of me that many find it difficult to express. Sadly being able to talk about pain and depression isn’t a cure. I feel jealous of people reading this because after you finish reading the impact is gone, whereas when I finish writing The pain can flare, the depression can hit.
I listen to podcasts a lot, they make me feel less lonely, just listening to other voices in the room can be relaxing and keep you company. The problem when I am in groups of people, I just want to be seen or heard. I am the centre of my own universe, that universe is so closed and contained, I easily forget everyone else has their own world and responsibilities.
One of the hardest parts of isolationism and depression, is living with yourself. You become your only friend, but also your own worst enemy (title song mentioned in the text!!!) Every part of your mind can feel like it’s conspiring against you to make life work. You forget to rest, forget to relax, and you forget to care for yourself. We constantly berate our own minds with thoughts of discomfort and regret. Every human interaction is played over in my mind hundreds of times.
I am stepping forward and pushing my own limits a lot, trying to be part of the world and the reality of moving forward can be very scary. The days you just want to scream are the days you have to be most composed. I often want to breakdown and cry and be held and know I am safe. I have to go on, and I can’t make every situation about how I can do things or can’t cope. It’s hard though when you physically and mentally cannot do the things you want or the things others might expect of you.
I spend every day with Luz and see my parents all the time, but still they say things to me that I just sit and think “geez, do you not have any idea how that might affect me”. In reality, they probably don’t, no matter how I explain or how I try, It often feels like I’m the only person who will understand how it feels to be living in this torture. This is the birth of my loneliness, the wish to be understood, cared for, not just unconditionally, but with a sense of comprehension and appreciation for my life.
It is always so frustrating to feel self indulgent, I honestly try my hardest to become part of other people’s stories and tales, but I can’t help but feel selfish and self indulgent.
When i was younger, I was a dreamer, but i became a thinker. I became trapped in my mind and it limited my vision. I want to dream again, I want to have hope and ambition for my future.
Here is a passage I wrote as an apparent philosopher at just 14 years old –
A dreamer’s soul,
May be lost forever
A thinker’s brain,
May be lost forever
Lives are expanded,
Quashed and demanded,
Dreams and Thoughts
From the most unlikely source.
Where pain is rife,
And life is hard
For their right.
For their goals.
Thoughts and Dreams
Situate the minds,
Of these people.
Confident or timid.
As adversity seems to create some of my beautiful words, let me continue my creative writing this week with a poem:
It brightens up the mood,
Lightens up the face,
Impossible to look away,
Encapsulated by beauty
The body of face
Filled with happiness
When a smile is created.
Today’s song is My Own Worst Enemy by Lit, pretty fitting title for today’s mood, But this song was always a great night out tune. I loved the riff the upbeat tempo, but I totally missed the message of the content. So many songs I return to listen to these days are improved by a deeper understanding of the artist’s intentions, both lyrically and musically.
Until next week here is a picture of my lovely mug. To which I feel very self proud of.