Written by Benjiman Grant

Ooo Eee, Ooo Ah Ah Ting Tang, Walla Walla, Bing Bang

Today is one of those pain filled days, I write more passionately. Some say great art comes from the most painful places, so with that logic, this will be the best post ever.

Featured image – I got a memo pad the other day so i could quickly add some words when I am sat at the table, here is the first thing that spilled out on to paper. Still learning to write left handed so I’m not so good at it.

Title Song – Cartoonz – Witch Doctor – oh yeah, let that bad boy sit in your ear holes. I actually like the song, Luz suggested it, and I looked it up to discover so many different versions. The Ear-worm status of this song is equivalent to chronic pain. It’s always in your head! Oooooooooo eeeeee, oooooo ahhhhhhh ahhhhh tiiiiiiiiingggg taaaaaanng!

 

Literally Literary Lines

Sometimes words spill onto paper like doodling to art – here is some of my literary doodling for you

Make others smile
Listen to the world around you
Share in their happiness. And help them smile

Being part of the world takes effort.

Old sayings. You get out what you put in.

Treat others with the respect you expect from them

Everyone is fighting their own internal battles. Take the time to empathise with others

If you like something say so. Don’t feel embarrassed to share your own happiness. Don’t feel scared of anyone’s reaction. Embrace the things you want to enjoy and let others know what makes you happy.

“The hardest part of this world is to live in it.” ~ Buffy Summers c/o Joss Whedon

To be able to understand the actions of the world around us we first must understand our own self.

Don’t be afraid to express yourself.

Take a moment. Find your escape. Music. Singing writing talking to yourself drawing sport acting art. An outlet – Pain and distress escalate when we bottle things up. We need to deal with them and face them in our own way. Stand up and let people know you are fighting a battle.

Ask for help. Don’t be afraid of people’s reactions.  Don’t make your own decisions about how people may or may not treat you. Keep asking. Someone will listen. Someone will stand up for you.

Give the world a chance. We live in a negative space with disability that makes us feel alone. But while we are alone in our own thoughts. There are billions of people on this planet. And we instinctively want to be part of that. We want to share our lives with the people around us. So share. Your story might connect to someone you never realised.

We don’t die alone because there will always be some part of you that lives on in the people you impact.

JAM

 

A Rant in B-Major (The B stands for Benji)

So much energy wasted trying to be heard, always being the one who chases for friendship and affection. Does anyone else feel like they are always the sidekick to other people superhero?  I feel like I spend so much of my life trying to find the people who care about impressing me as much as I do them

Today’s blog is written from a place of pain and sadness. I had a slip and fall on the stairs last night, to most it would be a bump on the bum and a slight graze on the arm. I however shook my whole body when I landed sitting up. Also because I slipped sideways my weight pushed my bad arm into the wall. The pain was excruciating.  I then began to feel guilty because luz was stood over me not knowing what to do or help. And instead of focusing on it, I felt guilty for being in pain and making someone else life a chore.

I laid on the sofa as Luz made food and got some nice messages from people helping and distracting me. Then luz went to training and I just felt alone. I began to feel myself spiralling downwards and not being able to see the good things.  

I feel like a child sometimes. Sometimes my feelings are so frustratingly simple. I hurt so therefore I will be depressed. The main problem with this is that I am always in pain. It so exhausting, it’s not how I wanted to live. I spend so much effort just to be able to do the most basic things.

It’s my constant frustration of dependence and incapabilities that makes me low. I sometimes feel so trapped. In so many senses, my mind, my body and my life. I can’t escape it, so much of my life has been compromised for these disabilities. I wanted kids, a home, a career, a wedding, to travel and to experience the world. Of course I can still do some of this, but being realistic I have had to accept that I won’t do these things. Life is meant to be enjoyed, I don’t want to experience these things with so much sadness and negativity personally. While I would look forward to these moments, as would anyone, I can’t see how I could enjoy them fully. All of them are affected by my incapabilities. It is not as easy as if you want something just grab it with open hands. In the respect of positivity and being happy yes we need to be proactive. However, in the reality of most this situations they take so much more planning and preparation that just the willingness to do them. I physically cannot do some and mentally can’t cope with the others. This is a part of my depression. I have fallen so far from what I saw as normal me. It can be hard to see the small goals as victories when true dreams and bucket lists seem so far away.

I am dependant, but don’t want to be a burden. I am disabled, but fear admitting it. I need help all the time, but get embarrassed to reach out and ask.

It’s lonely in this world. Not in the sense that nobodies cares or makes an effort. Because so many kind words and expressions of love do help. Still though the loneliness of being in this trap of a life fighting it alone is impossible to explain.


Why is it so hard to offer care and support? Why is it so hard to ask to be loved, or for help.

We freely share our opinions on the most menial subjects but when it comes to ourselves we are so guarded and fearful of judgement. It’s hard to let go and just be kind sometimes.

It’s so hard to concentrate on your own voice and opinions. To put the confidence in them to say them out loud can be near impossible. Sometimes it can be best to keep our voice quiet and listen and learn. Sometimes however we should make sure we speak up and let our voices be heard. Tell people you love them. So many times we regret after we lose someone close that we never really expressed our feelings. Yet we go on containing our love and care for the other around us.

Growing up is hard and we all have our complex and confusing challenges that make it so. The one thing we can all share is compassion for the others around us. We forget so often after we fall down, that those people who are always there to help us up, might be struggling to stay up or need help themselves.

Epilogue

So yeah two last things to leave you with today – Firstly your song. I know I’m torturing some of you with this song, but let’s be honest, we all know it, we all can sing it, its fun. We make a stigma of liking the silly things in this world that are just trying to make us smile. This song actually has a massive history. I was looking through and listening to different versions and while in the UK and growing up in the 90’s my brain instantly went to Cartoonz version, I also discovered a Miles Davis version. More importantly i found not one, but two Alvin and The Chipmunks versions. One from the film and one from the cartoon show. I used to get called Alvin and Theodore at school. I think mostly because of the size of my cheeks, but i’m guessing the transition from Alvin to Theodore was when I got fat. I loved it, all the people who called me it said it with such fun and love I used to feel like a cute chipmunk. I would pretend it embarrassed me, but i loved the attention of it….so 2 versions of title song to really push it into the depths of your mind!

Cartoonz

 

Chipmunks

 

Also I want to take a moment to ask for you beautiful people to help support a friend of mine. Tim, whom was responsible for a title last week, has recently begun streaming his antics mostly playing Overwatch. Joined by his two favourite Danish porn stars, he is chatting about life, wife and something else that ends in -ife. He is a truly lovely human and you’ll love his film and music references (I may suggest requesting his fat bastard impression for a giggle).

https://player.twitch.tv/?channel=vafuWatch live video from Vafu on www.twitch.tv

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