Written by Benjiman Grant

So You’re Tired Of Living, And You Feel Like You Might Give In, Well Don’t! It’s Not Your Time.

Today I reflect on a weekend with nature, and surviving a bad night!

Featured Image – My words, writing on the chromebook while in Wakerley Woods. I actually lost the rest of this document when I wrote it, but I am glad I chose to photograph this.

Title Song – Streetlight Manifesto – Better Place, Better Time. Last night was really hard, no sleep, high pain and my mind scattered, this song has helped me focus on positivity.

Wakerley Woods

So this weekend, nature called. Not literally however! If it had, i probably wouldnt have answered, I mostly have my phone on silent and still prefer words to talking. Fortunately for me, nature knows this and sent me the message subliminally!

Just 10 minutes drive away is the beautiful location of Wakerley Woods, part of the Rockingham Forest (totally learned that from a sign in the woods!)

There is something massive to said about grounding yourself and being closer to the world. I really want to be near water and seaside, but the trees and the woods were a perfect place to release the tension.

I was able to write this:

Lost my words.

So often I lose my voice,
I hide from my truth
I walk aimless 
alone

I need a place
A comfort to call home
Care for 
never alone

I want you to hold me high
I want you to know my mind
I want to be your everything
I want to be your smile

A vision of dream
A hope for one day
Something maybe
who knows

Where we can be
Forever there 
Together
Unique

I want you to know my life
I want you to hold my hand
I want to be you smile 
I want to be for you, 

Everything.

Always Everything.

I felt a real flow and passion for words spilling out of me.  It allowed me to focus and clear my mind.

There is only so much to be written about the beauty I enjoyed, I feel today is more of a day of sharing the images I made:

If you haven’t read my vision it really connected with being in the woods for me. I felt a deep sense of personal pride being able to see this beautiful metaphor for my mind. The path through the forest, was even marked for a disabled journey. It was amazing how it linked to the internal vision of my own health.

 

A Bad Night

So I wasn’t able to sleep at all last night, My mind collapsed onto itself. Engulfed by the pain of CRPS, I was left in an emotional state of overthinking just to distract myself from the agony. This is a fragile gateway to my mental health. I feel it wear me down. I was laying in bed, just trying to find a moment of peace. Eventually I was almost relieved that Jango woke  up and came to ask to be let out. I went downstairs and outside and sat on our bench with Jango.

The pain though wasn’t being affected by my before bed tablets, the over activity of my mind had overtaken and I was only able to come back in to lay on the sofa and cry. I felt so detached from the world.

Not being able to sleep is a knock on effect, it increases both pain and opens the door to depression. I try to find a constant balance in my life, between pain and happiness, finding my way with a compromise that helps me survive.

Living and breathing can be difficult, and the more I go through this journey of recovery, the more I realise my own need to be selfish and put my own well being at the front of my priorities. Easier said than done however, I am left feeling guilty for being a constant burden on the world around me. I dream of escape, but I think I want someone to take my hand and lead me, someone to save me. During my psychotherapy, I felt the centre of the world during my sessions. It really helped me focus on myself and heal. I think i need to find that person, that helps me focus on my physical recovery!

I woke up to some beautiful messages, to some lovely conversations and some great people offering me happiness and health. This support helped no end. Seriously, thank you to everyone (I do aim to thank everyone individually, but sometimes I put things off until later and totally forget them)

Then parents visiting for their week daily lunchtime visit always make the world a better place. There aren’t enough words to describe how much I love them both, individually and together. They bring positivity and also, gifts! Mum is a semi pro amazon reviewer and as such gets lots of various items and most of them are really useful to help me in the home. For the grand ole price of free, in exchange, for a review on amazon page.  She is getting lots of positive feedback with being offered new products and people thanking her for reviews, and she is able to share that happiness. So their positivity is infectious and has given me a boost for now. I imagine i will get a crash later, but as i so often realise, I have to balance between the highs and lows. Enjoying the highs that little bit more to help me through the lows.

Today’s gifts are a dictaphone which I can use for “writing” notes for blogs and potentially starting work on a Benjicast (TM). They also installed a handy magnetic screen on the back door that means i can leave the door open and not get bombarded by bloody annoying flies!

Better Place, Better Time

I was introduced to Streetlight Manifesto at university by a great skanking buddy, Fi, I was a massive Catch 22 fan, but had no idea of the emergence of S.M. This whole album “Everything went Numb” is brilliant, I would seriously advise just putting the whole album on, but first. This song just makes me feel better. Only recently has it become my favourite song on this album, it really resonates with me at the moment. Enjoy!

Bonus Content

In slight tribute to SDCC (San Diego Comic Con) which was this weekend, here is some bonus, ala Marvel, after credits, bonus material. Here are some more photos, but of my lovely face from my day in the woods.

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2 thoughts on “So You’re Tired Of Living, And You Feel Like You Might Give In, Well Don’t! It’s Not Your Time.

  1. First of all, beautiful pictures of the woods! It’s so serene! I’d love to walk those trails! Also, beautiful poem! The words flow so nicely.

    Secondly: Putting your NEEDS first and taking care of yourself is NOT selfish. How can you be anything to anybody if you don’t take care of yourself first? I understand that it can be a hard concept to grasp, but your well-being is something you have to look out for, that’s something no one can do for you!

    Thirdly, YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN. Your care-givers love you. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t be your care-givers. Believe it or not, being a care-giver is a choice, they can chose to walk away if they want, but the fact that they stay by your side and offer support just shows how much they love you, they don’t HAVE to do that. Also, you didn’t ask to have CRPS. You didn’t ask to have all the side effects that come along with that. You are worthy of all the great things life has to offer! I understand it’s frustrating to not be able to do all of things you wanted, and I can only imagine how painful it must be to have to give up certain dreams, but that doesn’t mean you can’t conquer some of them, or that you can’t get out there and enjoy the life you’ve been given, because I know you can, I know you have! I know you’re going to have bad days, days where you can’t get out of bed, and I’m sorry. I know that sucks, but take the time you need to rest and recover, use it to your advantage to research how you can start your podcast, write, relax, do whatever it is you need to do to get into a positive mindset. You are only limited by your thoughts. Again, I understand it’s hard, & I know sometimes things are out of your control, but always remember that you are worthy, you are loved, and you are capable of MANY great things!

    I can’t wait to see where life takes you. I have no doubt you will do amazing things! #Alwayskeepfighting

    Hugs,
    Kristian

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Your prose spoke to my soul…truly beautiful and raw. I crave the ocean, and I, too, am so far away from it that I seek anything earthy…the trees, the dirt, the sky…I find it grounding and honest; I feel complete….Your eyes tell their own story…you have very kind eyes…Excellent piece from what seemed to be an excellent day!

    Liked by 1 person

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