Written by Benjiman Grant

Somebody Save Me! Let Your Warm Hands Break Right Through

Today is about dreaming for a better life and sharing my “greatest hits”

Featured Image – Me, “On The Right Path” I posted this image the other night on social media, I personally am not comfortable with it, it makes me feel very vulnerable as It highlights my disability and my whole body, of which I am horrendously self-conscious. The support and kindness I received from posting this picture, inspired this post!

Title Song – Remy Zero – Save Me – The title song from the TV show Smallville. I wasn’t a huge fan of the song to begin with, but 10 seasons of a show will definitely help it grown on you.

Dream of Help

The past few days have been tough, Sometimes I become helpless to my disabilities, I was unable to write clearly, I was unable to move comfortable, unable….unable. I can’t help but be consumed by the things I cannot do! It is hard to be positive when bombarded with such inner negativity, such overwhelming disappointment.

I continue to realise that no matter how far I have come, how much I have realised about myself, there is one flaw I can’t escape. I am not happy. I am struggling, and no matter how much I share, and how much the kind words and support flow. There is a constant and nagging feeling in my mind and heart. I feel alone!

I dream of a hero, someone who will take my hand and guide me through, lead me towards a better life. I dream of the unconditional love and support I experienced as a child growing up. This is not to devalue the support that I do receive, but to highlight how I am stuck, not moving forward.

My treatment is non-existent, I feel forgotten, “here take these tablets and return in 6 months”. I don’t have motivation or get up and go, to find my own help. Once I have got myself awake and living every day, I am physically and mentally exhausted. I need help, I need to ask for help. I feel like I am fighting so hard just to live that everything else is passing me by. A feeling of emptiness consumes my mind when I dream, every hope, every wish is pushed aside, by the knowledge that I am unable!

Positivity and happiness has helped me cope and made life more bearable, but I feel like I am living a shadow of a life. I wake up and I sit until my parents visit at lunch, I am alone. I nap, I read, I game, I write, I watch, but still I am alone, in this prison of my mind and body.

I dream of being able to have what I want from life, to travel, to be free and to be given the life I so desperately wanted before my body turned against me. I dream of the brave soul who will walk beside me and hold my hand through the worst, but also push me forward, help me find my purpose and goals.

I don’t want to continue just as an apparition of who I once wanted to be. I want to become better, I want to wake up to assistance , to be pushed and driven  to become better, no matter if it can become reality or not, I have to try.

I realise that attention drives me, I think this is due to my empathetic side. I see other people and I cant help but feel infected by their happiness and positivity. I am tee-total and often on nights out I used to feel drunk around people, just from sharing their feelings and moods. I accept people’s anger and hate, I am comfortable sympathising. I don’t however have the confidence, the strength to make the first step. I need help! I need people to notice how difficult living is, and to want to care, want to help, want to be part of my recovery.

Recovery is a journey that seems almost impossible to make alone. I wish for the miracle, the magic moment, or people who find my heart and help me to survive these initial steps. The people, who come to cheer you on, who take initiative and help without prompt, without begging.

Every difficult day is a reset to zero, you are taken back to the place you hate. I am left alone, in bed, with just sadness and pain. I dream of escape, being free and living.

I may be strong, I will keep fighting, but I am low, I am in excruciating pain, daily. It is impossible for me to hide from the bitter reality.

I will continue to dream, to hope, to wish for better, but its becoming everclear that I cannot make my own dreams a reality for myself anymore.

A part of me has been forever taken and lost, I want it back!

Through blurred vision
Twisted knots
Weakness
Emptiness

A single tear
Rolls down
Burns the skin
Evaporating

Lonely thought consume
Words stuttered
Hope lost

I need your hand,
To guide me,
To lead me through,
My forest

I cannot find myself
Consumed
Confused

I want your heart,
Beating in time,
Dreaming together,
Sharing this life

~ Benjiman Grant

Greatest Hits

So I decided to compile all my blog title songs together into one playlist for you to ENJOY! I will add the new titles as I write them so feel free to subscribe to it for the musical experience to go along with my words!

Did make me realise I have used Hotel California twice and so many songs I still want to use!

 

Save Me

Gruff introduced me to Smallville, he loved the box sets as his life became harder, we would sit on his bed watching them on his little portable dvd player. I continued to watch the show well into my depression, watching the end of the show without him was insanely difficult. I lost the fact that he had left me with something to remember him by, a gift that I could in turn share and pass on.

The show is the story of Clark Kent becoming a hero from small beginnings and its a long and arduous journey, one that highlights aspects of my own life. Yes I am secretly superman! We might feel like this is a journey we take alone, but there is so many people in the world with us, just waiting and willing to have a positive impact.

So get comfy in bed, relax as best you can and press play and of course, Enjoy!

 

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4 thoughts on “Somebody Save Me! Let Your Warm Hands Break Right Through

  1. First of all, Wow!, You write beautifully!! Oh my dear friend, I can’t take away your pain. I can’t be there physically to hold your hand when you need it. I can though, cheer for you on the sidelines, believe in you, encourage you by telling you that you don’t have to give up your dreams. You are NOT defined by your limitations!! It’s not easy living with a disability, but please don’t let it define you. YOU are so much more than that!! You are worthy of happiness!! I can offer you a smile, a laugh, comforting words, an ear to listen! I am here for you!! You are not alone! #AlwayskeepFighting Sending you the biggest virtual hug ever!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I think it’s a great picture!! Sending you support for those low and lonely times, the frustrating and fearful times, when it’s hard to keep hoping! I have them too. I look for every tiny hint of progress to feed my hopes, and just keep trying. It’s nice to share that journey with you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Great article. The hardest thing dor me was not dealing with the surgeries or the pain. It was the fact that sooner or later all of my coworkers aboit 40 of them stopped reaching out to me because I no longer was in front of them everday. I have a select few that still do, but it was sad that even though I tried to stay in contact alot of them were to busy. It was hard to see that and took awhile to adjust. Stay strong and positive and you will bear through it 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh gosh…I felt like I was reading a lot of my own thoughts, here.
    I understand Ben. I do. Especially about being in the shadow. It’s as if everyone is living around you and you’re just ticking along with the clock. But can I say this – I believe this is a part of your purpose. Because in reading this, I suddenly didn’t feel so alone. You have a way with words that is honest and raw but gentle at the same time and perhaps that is going to play a role in what you’re here for. And you know, it is always those who give the most that actually need it the most, and people are quick to forget that. But I see you, I hear you, and I understand you and I’m grateful that there are people like you in the world who keep going with a smile even when they’re in pain, because its you that people will look to when they need a role-model of how to go on when things get tough.
    Sending lots of love.

    Liked by 1 person

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