Today is about dreaming for a better life and sharing my “greatest hits”
Featured Image – Me, “On The Right Path” I posted this image the other night on social media, I personally am not comfortable with it, it makes me feel very vulnerable as It highlights my disability and my whole body, of which I am horrendously self-conscious. The support and kindness I received from posting this picture, inspired this post!
Title Song – Remy Zero – Save Me – The title song from the TV show Smallville. I wasn’t a huge fan of the song to begin with, but 10 seasons of a show will definitely help it grown on you.
Dream of Help
The past few days have been tough, Sometimes I become helpless to my disabilities, I was unable to write clearly, I was unable to move comfortable, unable….unable. I can’t help but be consumed by the things I cannot do! It is hard to be positive when bombarded with such inner negativity, such overwhelming disappointment.
I continue to realise that no matter how far I have come, how much I have realised about myself, there is one flaw I can’t escape. I am not happy. I am struggling, and no matter how much I share, and how much the kind words and support flow. There is a constant and nagging feeling in my mind and heart. I feel alone!
I dream of a hero, someone who will take my hand and guide me through, lead me towards a better life. I dream of the unconditional love and support I experienced as a child growing up. This is not to devalue the support that I do receive, but to highlight how I am stuck, not moving forward.
My treatment is non-existent, I feel forgotten, “here take these tablets and return in 6 months”. I don’t have motivation or get up and go, to find my own help. Once I have got myself awake and living every day, I am physically and mentally exhausted. I need help, I need to ask for help. I feel like I am fighting so hard just to live that everything else is passing me by. A feeling of emptiness consumes my mind when I dream, every hope, every wish is pushed aside, by the knowledge that I am unable!
Positivity and happiness has helped me cope and made life more bearable, but I feel like I am living a shadow of a life. I wake up and I sit until my parents visit at lunch, I am alone. I nap, I read, I game, I write, I watch, but still I am alone, in this prison of my mind and body.
I dream of being able to have what I want from life, to travel, to be free and to be given the life I so desperately wanted before my body turned against me. I dream of the brave soul who will walk beside me and hold my hand through the worst, but also push me forward, help me find my purpose and goals.
I don’t want to continue just as an apparition of who I once wanted to be. I want to become better, I want to wake up to assistance , to be pushed and driven to become better, no matter if it can become reality or not, I have to try.
I realise that attention drives me, I think this is due to my empathetic side. I see other people and I cant help but feel infected by their happiness and positivity. I am tee-total and often on nights out I used to feel drunk around people, just from sharing their feelings and moods. I accept people’s anger and hate, I am comfortable sympathising. I don’t however have the confidence, the strength to make the first step. I need help! I need people to notice how difficult living is, and to want to care, want to help, want to be part of my recovery.
Recovery is a journey that seems almost impossible to make alone. I wish for the miracle, the magic moment, or people who find my heart and help me to survive these initial steps. The people, who come to cheer you on, who take initiative and help without prompt, without begging.
Every difficult day is a reset to zero, you are taken back to the place you hate. I am left alone, in bed, with just sadness and pain. I dream of escape, being free and living.
I may be strong, I will keep fighting, but I am low, I am in excruciating pain, daily. It is impossible for me to hide from the bitter reality.
I will continue to dream, to hope, to wish for better, but its becoming everclear that I cannot make my own dreams a reality for myself anymore.
A part of me has been forever taken and lost, I want it back!
Through blurred vision
A single tear
Burns the skin
Lonely thought consume
I need your hand,
To guide me,
To lead me through,
I cannot find myself
I want your heart,
Beating in time,
Sharing this life
~ Benjiman Grant
So I decided to compile all my blog title songs together into one playlist for you to ENJOY! I will add the new titles as I write them so feel free to subscribe to it for the musical experience to go along with my words!
Did make me realise I have used Hotel California twice and so many songs I still want to use!
Gruff introduced me to Smallville, he loved the box sets as his life became harder, we would sit on his bed watching them on his little portable dvd player. I continued to watch the show well into my depression, watching the end of the show without him was insanely difficult. I lost the fact that he had left me with something to remember him by, a gift that I could in turn share and pass on.
The show is the story of Clark Kent becoming a hero from small beginnings and its a long and arduous journey, one that highlights aspects of my own life. Yes I am secretly superman! We might feel like this is a journey we take alone, but there is so many people in the world with us, just waiting and willing to have a positive impact.
So get comfy in bed, relax as best you can and press play and of course, Enjoy!