Today is the hardest blog I will ever write, and hope you can take a few moments to read.
Featured Image – Luz drew me this picture of Tatooine, when I was at one of my lowest ebbs, it gave me a smile that I will never forget.
Title Song – Hoobastank – The Reason – This sums up feelings.
As many of you know, I have been living with my fiancée Luz for over 10 years, we have had a brilliant relationship and she has bought me reason to stay alive and happiness beyond measure. Unfortunately however, the damage to my body and mind has been a constant source of change for us. It affected both our lives so dramatically. It has had so much influence on our time together. We have given so much, compromised, and fought so long, that our relationship as lovers devolved into a platonic friendship.
So we have decided between us to separate and explore our lives as individuals. This feels like the right decision for us. It will be difficult, but I really think this break will ultimately fix two people.
I am obviously very concerned for myself, and you may hear me request more support and help, as the reality of being disabled and living alone kicks in. I am exploring many avenues of support and help locally from Citizens Advice Bureau, Local Council, my medical team and my parents.
Rest assured our split is very amicable, positively grown up. There is no point extolling someone’s flaws or frustrations. Like anything, we should focus on the positives moving forward and look forward to what that future will bring.
I am fortunate to still have my voice, I can ask for help and support.
10 years is a long and significant amount of my life, and while I don’t want to seem flippant about the importance, I also realise that it is a waypoint, a marker in my life to place down and move on from. Disability has turned me into a very different person, and therapy has helped me really discover that person, I am hoping now I can step into the world as myself and shine as I move towards tomorrow.
Lucy was my reason for continuing on at my lowest. she was a light that help guide me through the dark. We have obviously had our difficulties that has led to our separation. The most important thing is that we find our happiness.
When relationships reach a difficult point, you look for a way to solve it, a way to mend it, but in exploring these options our relationship has devolved into a steady stream of compromise. While we still share a close friendship, our relationship has slowly become more of dependant and carer instead of lovers. We have separate views of how we want our future and being realistic, separation will create two happy people where at the moment there is a couple who is merely living day-to-day with no real direction.
For Lucy’s privacy I shall not delve into specific details, but I do want to use this forum to make clear my love and thanks to her. 10 years, over 9 years disabled, she has lived with the most tumultuous lifestyle and never once complained. Lucy has been an amazing companion and I will continue to wish her all the happiness this world has to offer.
We have arranged for Lucy to move out by 18th September, so I am currently being supported and cared for, but after that I am left with some concern and as I mentioned earlier, I may ask for more help and support.
Silly little things that I know people will be wanting to know: Jango will stay with me, Deetoo will live with Lucy. Lets be honest that’s all anyone really cares about is that the pets are good 😉
So yeah, this is pretty much why I haven’t been blogging recently and why I won’t be much until things have settled down a little.
Well that’s me emotionally exhausted, time for a good cry!
I have started a hashtag on instagram #SPOONIESMILE for all of us in the world with invisible illnesses who are struggling it can be a little corner showing our strength and ability to still smile. It is a simple little thing I can do while not blogging to share my thoughts and a bit of positivity.
As I mentioned, Luz was the reason I am still here. I am alive because i made a promise to Lucy. Before therapy I promised her that I would do it, for her. The guilt of a promise broken was scarier than the prospect of therapy. So this song is an ode to Lucy being that reason for me. Enjoy!