Written by Benjiman Grant

I Have A Tendency To Wear My Mind On My Sleeve, I Have A History Of Taking Off My Shirt

Today I speak about my emotions and sexuality. Additionally, a beautiful message from an unexpected voice.

Featured Image – Do Not Be Afraid! The Crumpet Of Courage – We bought this postcard from paperchase this weekend and the second I saw it, I knew I needed it in my life. So now I share his awesomeness with you.  

Title Song – Barenaked Ladies – One Week – The album stunt was such a fun album of catchy riffs and sing along lyrics. The title lyric really does sum me up!

Emotions

200_s

So I have always struggled with myself in this respect. As a younger man I was so confused and unsure of how to be myself. I used to hide behind a facade of what I thought people wanted to see. I wasn’t being honest to myself! I wanted to cry when I was sad, I wanted to hug people and tell them I loved them, I wanted to be open with my emotions.

It was hard, as a Man, you are almost expected to be “masculine” you have this expectation to behave a certain way in social situations. I hated being stuck in situations where I couldn’t express myself. I now understand this was probably more to do with me, not being comfortable and confident in my own skin.

I always felt more in touch with my feminine side, I loved my mum, she is my idol and I have always had excess care and love for the women in my world because of her. But i still was unable to open up and be who I wanted to be. I would often sit in social situations silent or uncomfortable. Recently I had a similar experience; I was speaking to someone who I don’t want to pigeonhole, but really does fit a masculine stereotype. The discussion led to cinema and opinions on a film, I hadn’t seen it, but the scenes described sounds vulgar and pathetic. I just wanted to say that outloud, but instead just nervous laughter and changing the subject happened.

I don’t understand why I am ashamed of who I am or my opinion, but I do think it’s also related to my wanting to make the people around me happy. I didn’t want to create conflict, but i also was slightly disappointed in myself for not being comfortable in my skin.

I love pretty things, clothes, shoes, makeup, flowers, animals, art, and literature. I have always enjoyed love stories and tales of emotion.I also love sport, politics, boobs, gaming, movies, celebrity and social media. My passion for these things has a rooting in my Bi-sexuality. Obviously it is the same compassion and interests I share with people no matter who they are. However I was never fond of being labelled camp  because of whom I was. Not that it was offensive, but that I felt i was more than just a title. I could have complex emotions and try and express them yes, but it was a deeper part of my personality than merely my sexuality.

Now I am in such a better place, I am more comfortable with myself, and in turn i can express myself a bit clearer. I can, of course, still be scared to express myself, but I am much happier with who I am. I don’t feel afraid to pay a compliment to someone’s beauty or personality, simply because of expectation that If a man is sharing these opinions he can only want one thing. Platonic relations were always amazing to me. I enjoy being able to have a love for other people and even being comfortable enough to be open about my emotions.

I was a performing arts student, so I was always taught to channel my emotions and use them to express myself. I spent so long hiding from myself, that it is extremely freeing being able to be honest and share my feelings and emotions.


Sex and Other Stuffs.

Arousal near impossible, sex life non existent due to pain. But libido reawakening. I’m finding traits in other people not only endearing but exciting. It’s an endorphin rush to see strong parents, confident workers, healthy lifestyles. These things read like a list of wants on a dating app. They highlight the change in direction of my Lusts and desires.

After experiencing life in performing arts at college my sexuality really awakened. It was always something short term, fast passion, literal young lusts.  The fascination with different people was a driving force for my sex a drive. I almost wanted to experience life through sex. It was brilliant and I shared some intimate emotions and feelings with some wonderful people. The one thing that I knew from a young age is that my emotional connection to other people was  high. I sort of got a high from the making people happy.  

That is something I lost during my depression. I forgot about that empathetic side to sex. that for me is what really makes it special. The knowledge that both you and your partner are together in that place of bliss and experiencing it together. Now not only do I see that as the release of sexual energy, but also my new appreciation for the world around me.

My sex drive was a disappointing loss to me as it was such a part of my adulthood to that point.  I sort of breezed over it a lot in therapy and suggested it wasn’t an issue. But the constant way the subject was raised made me realise it’s obvious importance to who we are.

We are a sexually driven and emotional guided species. We cannot ignore one nor the other. It’s something like emotion that has an odd taboo when it comes to discussion. A coy, shyness takes over when I personally try to share this kind of thing. I find it uncomfortable to talk about in person. I have no idea why, I am an adult, to my knowledge I have done the sex thing…ahh i think I may have solved this one. I think I prefer to be having sex than talking about it.  

Seriously though, I would love to be more open and confident with sex and my sexuality in general.

Being bi-sexual never made me feel different really so I never felt I had to hide it or not discuss it. It did give me a confidence with my sexuality though. I have always had an internal ego when it comes to myself. In my mind I’m very confident of myself, my appearance may not be what it once was, but I still like what I see in the mirror. I may not be a lothario nor casanova, but when it comes to the intimacy of sex I am confident about what I am doing. Most importantly I always knew that it was to be enjoyable, for all involved, it shouldn’t just be a physical release but an emotional one.

So all this internal self confidence. But sit me in a room an ask me to discuss sex and I would melt into the chair quicker than a lolly in the desert!

One thing I used to confuse over constantly was how my brain could understand what was happening, but have no ability to change what I did. This is part of my understanding of my anxiety disorder that it is more the factor in my retreat away from people, but also in the demise of my libido and lusts. I thought about it too much. I didn’t speak about it and it all became trapped and internalised.

So as I seem to connect with the world again so awakens my outer confidence and I continue my battle with anxiety.

 

A Measured approach.

How weird the world is sometimes?

On friday I was contact on Instagram by someone whom I only knew by name. Never had a word passed between us, but there was no fear or awkwardness. She stepped forward and offered support to a full stranger effectively.

So here is my message to that someone:

You shared that you had suffered your own difficulties in life and that your daughters were immensely important to you, then I wanted to share what you wrote to them and write a little about how amazing it was that someone who yesterday morning I would have never thought twice about has today been able to bring me to almost tears of happiness at sharing such a beautiful sentiment. It’s kind of amazing how easily we can make a positive impact in people’s lives

She had shown kindness to me via DM. The next day, on her timeline, she had shared this beautiful message towards her two daughters:

wp-1467604910736.jpg


I just wanted to say that you are the perfect example of what people should look to be in life. Career, money and lifestyle mean nothing compared to the kind of compassion and care you have shown in messages to me and in the above letter to your girls

 

We underestimate our own ability to make a difference in others lives. This is an example that one moment of care, and compassion can make a huge difference. I was giddy with happiness reading that message, but also had been buoyed by the initial contact. A friend had mentioned me and my struggles, and purely from that a message of support and care. This is almost my own good samaritan story, she saw me broken and bruised by the side of the road, and offered a hand of help and expected zero in return. Seriously if the world was full of these people we would be living a perfect life. 

Its kind of a sad state of society and my own judgements, that when I see a private message, my instant gut reaction is that it will be negative or trolling. We hope people and strangers will be nice, but we expect the worst, and getting nice messages becomes almost surprising.

 

Happy Captain America Day

url

To my beautiful friends in America, I hope you have a wonderful day and celebrations are full of happiness. Please take a moment to care for pets and also veterans with PTSD when setting off fireworks.

My favourite film for about 2 years as a child was Independance Day. I would watch it repeatedly, rewinding the VHS immediately after watching it, to watch it again. For me it is one of the most well paced films ever made. I love the ramp up, with the really set out 3 act structure. The sfx have aged really well also. If you have never seen it…go…watch it…well after you watch this music video…

And yes I am proud to say I can do the crappy white boy rap bit! fucking love this tune, never fails to pick me up!

 

Birchmont Stadium, home of the Robbie…

I dunno either ^^

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “I Have A Tendency To Wear My Mind On My Sleeve, I Have A History Of Taking Off My Shirt

  1. I love your open and honest account of your feelings and emotions and how they crash and are in direct opposition to living with chronic pain. I was for many years raised by my single mother and as a result have a high respect for women and am a very emotional person however I hide it far too often. I do not know why and I hope I get the courage as we move forward to be more open.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It is hard to be honest sometimes. I guess it is a case of having the fear means that we know we want something. We clearly care about things enough to worry.

      Thank you for your kind words on my writing. I wish you all the happiness possible! Xx

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s